SUV Wars

I may be coming down with something. My head is swimming. I am hallucinating. I have the uncontrollable appetite to run out and buy a new car. I think I’ve got SUV fever. On the television this morning, the ad wars announced one dealer was offering $6,000 cash back on a brand new Chevy Tahoe.

I’m an environmentalist, like John McCain. So I immediately calculate $6,000 at $4 per gallon can buy me about 1,500 gallons of gasoline, as long as the current price of gas holds. Let’s see, if we take that trip we’ve always wanted to the Grand Canyon, at 12 miles per gallon, well, anyway, I can get back and forth to work, for a couple of months at least.

I know President Bush recently went to visit his pal the King of Arabia. Bush, whose daddy was President before him, asked the king, whose daddy was king before him, wasn’t there some sort of pal deal we could come to, so the king would help lower the price of gasoline? This is not appeasement. Republicans do not do appeasement. Bush, whose daddy was also formerly head of the CIA, looked the king right in the eye and saw deep in his soul, just like he did Vladimir Putin, the once and future Russian KGB assassin. Basically, the King of Arabia said, “Stuff it up your galabaya.”

We’ve already got one SUV war going in the Middle East. Maybe the next one should be against that guy Hugo Chavez in Venezuela. He’s such a jerk. Who does he think he is, just because he’s sitting on an oil field? He needs to think about what happened to Saddam Hussein.

I know there’s already talk in the U.S. Congress about opening up restrictions on drilling for oil in our own country, in our ocean shorelines and in protected wilderness. It won’t be like the Alaska Pipeline. Fool me once, shame on you. Alaska Pipeline oil was supposed to be used by Pacific Coast Americans in Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Seattle. Instead, it got shipped overseas, where it could fetch a higher price. You think $4 a gallon is top dollar? Ask the French, Germans, Italians, Sweedish, and Japanese. They don’t make those cars that get great gas mileage just because they can’t control wanton and selfish hankering to squeeze grandma and the kids into the cramped back seat of an oversized turtle shell with a lawnmower engine.

When I drive U.S. Highway 78 through Loganville, I pass one of the biggest Chevrolet dealerships imaginable, maybe in the entire state of Georgia. Acres of new SUV’s and Pickup Trucks. My heart pounds, and I get short of breath. Chevrolet offers seven automobile models that get 30 MPG or better gas mileage. Unfortunately, the Tahoe and the Silverado are not among them, but they do get the best gas mileage in their class, the dealer points out. I’m thinking white with red leather seats. Sunroof. Dual Control Air Conditioning. Automatic Transmission. Power Steering. Power Windows. Cruise Control. V-8 engine. And HORSEPOWER.

If I can just hold out for a few more months, maybe the price of gas will rise to $6, $7 per gallon. By then, they’ll be giving those V-8 beauties away. Name your own price. Think of the SUV wars.

Copyright 2008 by William C. Cotter