Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Warning: Read At Your Own Risk

I have prescriptions for several drugs common for those of us who would have taken better care of ourselves if we had known we were going to live this long.

Many prescription drugs are advertised on television. I do not know why. You can’t just take a shopping list to the pharmacy. This is the United States of America. Also, your doctor might have a thought of his own. It’s not like nagging your mommy till she gets you the damned Count Chocculas.

On television, they show you how much fun you are going to be able to have if you take the medications they are selling. The actors in these ads don’t look a bit in need of any medications. If you looked like those actors and did all the things they are doing, you wouldn’t need any medications either. Then come the warnings about side effects.

Do not drive or operate heavy machinery. I never operated heavy machinery in my life. I don’t think I’ll start now. You may experience weakness, nausea, dizziness, headaches, swelling of the lips, etc. Many medications warn against taking them at the same time as other medications or list negative side effects worse than the reason for taking either medication.

I thought maybe I should do some research about medical symptoms and side effects of prescription drugs. Here is some of what I have discovered:

--For Insomnia. Medications should not be taken with alcohol. Some people using insomnia medications have engaged in such activities as driving, eating, or making phone calls but later have no memory of the activity. Do not take this or any other medication if your name is Kennedy.

--For Restless Leg Syndrome. Increased urges, including sex, gambling and other compulsive behavior. One guy painted his entire house before his doctor was able to adjust his medication.

--For Breaking Smoking Addiction. Years ago, I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day. I got a prescription for nicotine chewing gum. I quit smoking but was up to three packs of nicotine gum a day. Warning: nicotine gum can cause flatulence. People will offer you cigarettes.

--For Pain Pills. Highly habit forming. Serious withdrawal difficulty. ADITIONAL SIDE EFFECTS: may become insufferable blowhard. Look forward to a possible career as a radio talk show host.

--For Male Sexual Dysfunction. “The Weekend Pill.” Possible side effects include erections lasting more than four hours. Now just a minute there, Pal. Is this really a negative side effect or just some Madison Ave. jokester pulling my restless leg?

WARNING: Research of medical symptoms or negative side effects of prescription drugs may lead to the belief that you have experience them all.

Copyright 2007 by William C. Cotter


Tina said...

Actually, some DO end up in the emergency room due to the "longer than four hours" problem. This I hear from a friend whose ex works in an ER.

charlotte@cassadylaw.net said...

Well, this is certainly not an area in which I have particular expertise, but I can see someone freaking out if they thought the situation might be permanent. I can imagine some embarassing situations.

This is a very funny blog.

Oreo said...

Welcome to the blogosphere, Paw Paw Bill. I really enjoyed this post, along with the others from this month. I hope you manage a better posting schedule than I do.

Paw Paw Bill said...

Thank you for your comment. When I was a younger person and ate anything I damnwell pleased, Oreos held a special place in my life. I have visited your blog, enjoyed it very much, and left some comments. My intent is to post to PAW PAW BILL regularly, with a goal of at least three times a week. So far I have failed miserably. Nonetheless I hope you will become a regular reader. See my special offer of FREE HOME DELIVERY.

EHT said...

My husband and I used to have good time giggling about the drug the disclaimer stated might cause oily flatulence. What in the heck is that and why would I take anything that might cause it?!? ICK!


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